Welcome To The Life Behind The Ruse

Again not typed here in a long time. A lot happened I guess. But i'm noth ere to talk about that now. I'm here to post another poem. Why? i don't know. They're getting shitter & shitter. But here's one or two.


Emotions

Jealousy lust rancour & ruse
Emotions to me are just self abuse
Tearing up my soul from deep inside
Feelings from which I just wish I could hide
Why can’t you have the good without the bad
Just be happy for once
Without knowing soon you’ll be sad

I’m dead inside. At least so I let on
Nothing gets me down. I’m far too strong
But deep down inside. I know it’s all a lie.
Deep down inside I sit and wonder why
I can’t rid myself of these thoughts.

Jealousy ridden.
I can’t trust a woman.
Full of hate rancour to the edge.
Fed up of always being their second best
It’s always the same. I’m always the joke.
Always “the one” always left for a better bloke
It’s only a matter of time. It’s bound to come
Yet again & again. I’ll never be the one.







Why?

For years I’ve searched
For someone who’ll understand
Care & not just pretend.
Now I have one. Why?

Why can’t I talk? Express my heart
Why can’t I say what’s wrong
Why can’t I even make a start.
I want to. I try to. I try hard.
But still. I continue this happy façade

Am I a failure?
Am I a fool
The answer is clear.
I’m both but I’m just a fool for you.
To tell you the facts would scare you
Maybe even make you run

Tireless emotions held up inside
Fed up of doing so, but still I hide
I just want to talk to you
I trust you with my life.
I just want to talk to you
Again I just talk to the knife.

Public Perception of Depression.

I don’t know about he rest of the world. But lately I have been getting extremely aggravated with the publics perception and pre-judgements of anyone who falls under the category of ‘Depressed’. Whether someone suffers from Major Depression (Also known as Clinical Depression), Dysthymia, Bipolar Depression (Also known as Manic Depression), Atypical Depression, Psychotic Depression, Postpartum Depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder. The general public just automatically places them all under the category of ‘Depressed’. I know what am I am saying is summarising the entire general public and that is an unfair assumption. Lots of people do actually know a thing or two about depression and take more time to look at the individual. Despite this it seams that a lot of people still don’t know about depression. Or put any effort into learning about it.

We teach school children about sex education. About drug education and other matters along similar topics. Yet we don’t teach them about depression. Yet a lot of teenagers experience some kind of depression or feeling of worthlessness. If we were to teach them about the types of depression they would understand what they are going through if and when they experience it, but more to the point of this topic. They would understand what their friends or families are going through.

I am a personal sufferer of depression. Personally I suffer from Clinical or Major depression. And when I tried to talk to my friends at school about it. They all instantly made a pre-judgement. During that period of searching for help I lost a lot of people who I thought I could trust because they all decided I was now ‘weird’. They claimed that because I was slowly losing that ‘life of the party’ attitude and gaining one about slowly giving up on things. It was my fault and I wasn’t worth the effort. And I became outcast from a lost of friends. The result was I had to find a new bunch of people to talk to because I was being put on my own which made me worse. Whereas if they had been taught about depression. People would have known not to do that and things wouldn’t have gone worse.

You have heard me ramble on about the pre-judgements. But what are they. Well from what I can tell from the different ways I get judged. People who suffer from depression are: Weird, Scary, A screw up, A lost cause, Bring it on themselves, Could get better at any time they chose, suicidal, Murderous, The list is endless as well as unfair. Everyone’s experience of depression is different. There are many different types of depression as I have previously stated. And within each of these type there are thousands if not millions of different triggers, responses, coping methods. To make a category to place all depressed people, is not really possible yet still done. Even those who actually suffer from depression can not explain how it feels for the next person with depression. Everyone who suffers from it. Has different feelings and emotions about it. And express it in different ways. Be it to hide behind a false smile and sarcasm. Or spend all day alone crying self harming and attempting suicide.

They also all give the same answers to every single depressed person it seams. When I started to ask for help all that was said was ‘Go to a counsellor’, ‘Go to a Doctor’, ‘Go on anti-depressants’. Or the one that actually surprisingly popped up the most was something along the lines of ‘ What do you want me to do about it? Just buck your ideas up and think positive about life and you will be fine.’ Which to a person who only knows depression as ‘Feeling sad and unhappy with life’ would sound like a logical explanation. The problem is this is one of those many scenarios where that is easier said then done. We can’t just wake up and go ‘Oh I think I will feel good about who I am and what my life is like today’ its not that easy. If it was do you not think we would have done it by now? We don’t enjoy being this way. As I stated earlier there are many kinds of depression. How could they al be cureable in one way? That’s like saying a cold could be cured with a constipation remedy. It doesn’t make sence. I’ll admit some people find going to counselling or their doctor is a helpful step towards finding a way out of their state of mind. This however is not the same for everyone. Whilst it will work for some. Some people will find it just hinders them.

People who suffer from depression are often outlawed and pushed aside to the background of society. Employers seam to want nothing to do with them because they are often lethargic. Which means they are left to live off state benefits…Which is NOT enough to live off. And leaves them the entirety of every day with nothing to do. And because most of their mates will work they are often left with no one for company but their own thoughts. Which are often what create half the problem whether it be by recreating past events over and over again in their head. Or creating emotional difficulties and paranoia’s that don’t really exist. People give up on them, because they are depressed and come across as they can’t be bothered and not as happy. A lot of their mates will think that they are not liked and start to detach themselves from the friendships. Which in turn makes the subject of the depression feel more lonely and more like they are doing wrong and are worthless. In my own experience previous partners have found out I suffer from depression and this has made them run a mile. Which again Made me feel worthless and not loveable and much worse. And as I said this is not the same with every person. Some people do seam to understand and want to help. My fiancée at the moment knows I suffer from depression and knows the depths of it. But has stayed, but she will vouch when I say the amount of rejection from people before because of my ‘disease’ means I am very low on self confidence etc.

As for if a person who suffers from depression self harms…God help them then. They are automatically labelled as a ‘freak’ or ‘psycho’. People seam to take one look at it, and get scared and run away. They seam to think along the lines of ‘Hang on if that person can harm themselves…They must be able to harm me, and enjoy it’ when the fact is in my own experience I couldn’t cut someone else, and certainly wouldn’t enjoy it if I did. I admit I have done it but that doesn’t make me a psychopath. Nor does it make me weird.

I know this article has been a very biased one, But it has only been based on my own experiences and opinions and I can’t say the argument from the side of a public person who is the target of this article. I am not claiming to understand depression because I don’t all I have said has been based on my own experiences and I know a lot of people who have agreed with what has been said in this article. If someone would want to right a follow up saying it from the opposite side of the argument I would actually be interested to read that.

Thanks for your time.

Hmm well it seams that i can't get on Rancour874842 anymore...I don't know why maybe i will be able too when i get home...Or maybe the bitch that created it on her account has deleted it...I will try and get it back but i don't know...If not then i will still have MSN and Aim.